If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
