Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
