You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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