Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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