My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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