I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
