Moan for me like Helen Keller
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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