Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im holly from the hills drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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