He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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