maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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