You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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