i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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