I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
