did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
