He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I look better un-naked...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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