you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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