I think I won the penis lottery.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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