Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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