I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
