ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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