Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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