just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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