The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
