We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.