yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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