you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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