I wish I could teleport
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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