I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
