she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize