I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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