i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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