The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
