we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
