I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
