First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
