um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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