Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
