My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
