and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
