I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
