He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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