apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she told me i tasted like america
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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