I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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