you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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