right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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