Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
