Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
