i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
