you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
