your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
