Your face is a jimmy john
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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