Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
