So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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