Already got asked if we're dating
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
