my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
