a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
