she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
