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OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
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