I accidentally had phone sex last night
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.