We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
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He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?