oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
