Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
