May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Randomize
