we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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