I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
